For the first time in my life, and I feel a little pompous saying this, but for the first time in my life I feel like I know the answers to the 2 greatest mysteries of all time. I am referring of course to the questions “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?”
For most, if not all, of my life I have experienced some form of confusion, anxiety and depression. When I was about 22 years old I tried killing myself. I felt isolated, separate and desperate to be approved of by others and society in general. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and I would lightly self medicate with food, alcohol, drugs and pornography. Not so much that it seemed like I had a problem, but enough to take the edge off of resisting life.
On the outside I looked good, though, and I used this as a way to feel better about myself as well. I knew I was relatively good looking, charming, had a way with words and came across as a very nice and kind young man. I usually had plenty of money, and if I didn’t I was good at getting it.
When I communicated with people, I would say things with specific words and in such a way to get them to like me, as opposed to sincere authentic communication. When trying new projects, whether career oriented or hobby, I always quit when the discomfort got to a certain point. When I was completely honest , I could see that I despised myself.
It wasn’t all negative, I’ve had amazing experiences and been blessed with deep friendships and people that genuinely care for me. And for as long as I can remember, despite the anxiety and depression, I’ve sensed a light within. I could sense my own divinity but it felt so faint and distant. It was there constantly, though, which was part of the problem. Deep inside I could feel this purpose, this recognition of my real self, this connection to God and power and Love. But sensing that light within while feeling depressed and anxious and failing or quitting at everything I tried had my self esteem at an all time low and I was ready to give up on life.
This giving up wasn’t another suicide attempt, it would be to quit striving looking for that light. It would be to find an attractive woman for a wife, get a safe cushy corporate job, buy a house and learn about retirement saving and mortgage rates and take yearly vacations and buy too much shit I didn’t need.
Then, I found A Course In Miracles (now referred to as ACIM or The Course) and everything changed. I first got the download of what The Course was saying by reading the book called Disappearance of the Universe (DOTU) by Gary Renard. I was also blessed to be surrounded by a community of people that were also studying The Course and received some great tips and advice which I’ll briefly mention in a bit. The first piece of advice, though, was to read that book.
From reading DOTA, I learned (or was reminded of) that this reality, including Earth and the entire universe, was not created by God. Now, I was raised Christian-Lite, meaning our parents took us to church and Sunday School, but I could see that they took us out of duty more than reverence and faith. They were simply fulfilling their parental obligations of letting organized religion teach their kids about right & wrong. Reading that God did not create this reality lined up with the very reasons why I ultimately turned my back on organized religion. There were too many unanswered questions and contradictions. To me, The Course is free of unanswered questions and contradictions. I was reminded that WE (you and me and everyone else, together as One) have made this dream world to hide from God because we believe, incorrectly, that we have somehow separated from God.
I get that this may sound outlandish, but the purpose of this writing is not to sell anyone on The Course, nor is it to go into detail explaining what the course is, I just felt inspired to share how ACIM has guided me in healing the blocks, or wounds, in my mind. Once I got that I am the one projecting my reality, and that ALL of my guilt (and all negative versions of this guilt — shame, fear, hate, all of it) stemmed from believing I had separated from God, from my source. I got deeper in my studies of The Course and I could see that this was like a mental map, a map into the subconscious complete with the promise that all my pain could be handed over to Spirit.
It has been a bumpy ride for sure, but I can now feel into my mind and get a sense of the darkness, or wounds or blocks, that remain. I now get excited every single time I find myself judging me or someone else as this as an opportunity to heal.
I am reminded that we are all pure Spirit, safe at home in the arms of God, but dreaming this dream which we are convinced is real.
I am reminded that at any one point in time there is only one choice possible and that is the choice between Love and fear.
I am reminded that in my mind, at least in this dream reality, there are only two guides. The Holy Spirit (intuition) is the guide for Love and the ego (our identity as a body) as the guide for fear. In each moment we have the ability to choose our teacher. Only Love is real, but since we believe in the ego, we make it appear real.
I am reminded that focusing out into this world, trying to make this world more comfortable, or somehow better, is misplacing my power. Focusing out into this world by trying for a better body, better partner, more money, recognition or accolades, makes this reality appear all the more real.
I am reminded to turn my attention inward and sincerely seek all the darkness, all the parts in there that aren’t really me, that aren’t even real (though again, my belief in them make them appear real) so I can then forgive it, or give it away to Spirit, whose job it is to take it from me.
I am reminded that EVERY SINGLE block, problem, wound, fear or concern in my mind was ultimately placed there by me. There is nothing outside of myself that is to blame for any problem in my life. The Course has shown me my 100% responsibility for my attitude and state of mind.
I am reminded that this whole ACIM thing seems radical and extreme only when compared to the smallness and victim mentality we have accepted as truth here in this reality.
I am reminded that I get to meet myself where I am currently at. THIS is an act of gentleness and compassion which greatly serves in the healing process, in the unwinding of the ego. I am reminded that I will continue in the illusion for as long as I have an ego, as long as I have darkness in my mind. I get to enjoy this ride and I get to remember what I really am.
I am reminded to put Love and my own healing above money, above what people think of me, above my personal relationships, above my own pleasure, opinions and preferences and I am reminded that as I do this, as I re-train my mind to put my own awakening above all else, that all lack in all forms melts away with my small self’s preferences.
I am reminded that true abundance is the remembrance and recognition that I already am everything. I get to follow my heart, choose Love over fear over and over and over and watch as the symbols of abundance appear, as if by magic, from out of seemingly nowhere and I can smile and laugh with the understanding that they were always there. As I clean away the muck, as I bring the darkness to light, THEN I can see, where before I was blind.
The main benefit I’ve experienced from studying A Course In Miracles is that I am now certain that Peace of Mind is my ONLY focus. And it is ridiculously simple.
Love has everything already mapped out for us. Once we’re ready to jump off the cliff, into the unknown, without a parachute, we will embark on the ride of a lifetime and we will, just after jumping, see the leagues of angels that have been with us always, whispering, with kindness and gentleness, “Jump. You are safe. I’ve got you.”
